A few quotes that sum up whatever the fuck we’re doing

H: “How can you be so gross, yet so attractive?” 

K: “It’s my bone structure.”

“You can talk to me while I’m on the toilet; just don’t make eye-contact.”

H: “What are you doing?”

K: “I’m writing my sex CV.”

“Being submissively throat-fucked is new for me… and I’d like to keep practicing.”

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t kiss you after you ate my asshole?!”

Butt-fucking in a M+$*%m Country (and other adventures)

K and I were lucky enough to spend the holidays in North Africa. We arrived to find: 

A) piles of burning garbage 

B) no night life, 

and C) its dry here, and I’m not just talking about the camel’s toes…..

Luckily, we were put up in a delicious five star hotel with a sumptuous (and inclusive) buffet breakfast and dinner set-up. Also, to our salvation, the resort itself neither respects this crazy alcohol thing nor any rules regarding clothing in the sauna. Yessssssss.

“But H,” you may be wondering, “why WHY spend your holiday in a country that is drier than that bears ass from the toilet paper commercial?”

Well shit, we got a hell of a deal.

As we quickly figured out that as the booze does not flow outside of the resort walls, there was really no point in leaving them (duh!) And as we brought lots of lube, things were far from dry in our hotel room. Basically our days went like this:

Wake up, fuck.

Breakfast buffet.

Roll back to room, shit, shower, watch porn, fuck.

More porn. Fuck and fuck.

Sauna, shower, porn, fuck.

Dinner buffet. Steal platter of desserts back to room.

Watch movie (may or may not be porn.) Fuck.

Order room service.

And with all that time for fucking, we also had a whole lot of time for ass play, which, if you aren’t familiar, really is best when not rushed.

Damn I love vacation 

Also,

The Contract. wishfully including Morgan Freeman

The Contract:
K and I needed to come to an agreement about whatever the fuck we’re doing, so after our last PMS/feral cat fight we decided to put it down on paper and publish it here, as a token of its binding-ness and for your enjoyment.

1. If bringing another person into our bed (for a sleep over), make sleeping arrangements, preferably before 8pm.
2. If fucking in our bed, make time arrangements.
3. Communicate if going out/staying out and approximated time of return.
4. Uninterrupted dates with scheduled check-in times.
5. Unquestioned floor sleeping for K, with reserved right for H to make fun of. (Yes, K likes to sleep on the floor. No, I don’t snore or do anything weird. He just likes it.)
6. Serious issues won’t be handled via text. In person most preferable, phone as a second option. Issues should also be handled ASAP.
7. Introduce people to date/fuck before making plans.
8. If interested in another person, tell one-another ASAP, especially before making plans.
9. Tell people we intend to date/fuck about relationship status. (Or just send them to this blog! Kidding, kidding, I’d never sabotage myself like that…)
10. Talk out jealousies in person and promptly as issues arise.
11. When traveling apart, refer to previous protocol. (When we lived in different cities in the past we’d fuck, date, etc. and tell one-another about it like giggling teenage girls after the fact.)
12. Condoms and safer sex conversation with everyone. Limit on oral partners (is this for sex parties only?)
13. Talk out sex-party rules before parties.
14. First priority goes to one-another in regards to dates/plans unless prior approval in cases of “sheer spontaneity.” (Someone offers me tickets to Childish Gambino, but I’m supposed to visit your aunt with you, for example. Sorry auntie, Childish Gambino wins out.)
15. Veto power with explanation. NOT to be used lightly. Can be overridden if no good explanation (as determined by a third party?) and during PMS times.
This document is flexible and amendable with prior discussion and approval.
-H
-K

The dreaded mosquito and the spanish aphrodisiac

I am writing this from cloud 9.  I told H that the last time i felt like this, i had just taken MDMA and gotten fucked in the ass. as i write this, i am coming down from a serene and peaceful state of mind.  very similar to the one you get from taking MDMA.  Thanks drugs for giving a common language that all can agree on. (:

so how did i get here to this state of being?  as i was in that head space, i could hear my mind attempt to make sense of my happenings and create frameworks to create the same results.  I smiled warmly and shared this with H.  I told her that the way i was fucking her tonight, was really no different in technique than the way i fucked her yesterday.  What made sex tonight different was, well, a lot of things.  One commonality, we kept on pointing towards the truth. It can be a dark and squirrely line to follow, but goddamn if you don't end up in an untouched paradise when your feet touch the ground. (if they ever do touch the ground...)

And then there was this fucking mosquito!  Not the first night we've heard it, and here(hear) it was again, buzzing with that high pitched whine.  So we decided it was time to hunt.  We turned on the lights, cocked our guns and set off on a safari.  Within 4 minutes, after setting out H as bait, we see that the dreaded mosquito has directed its appetite at me.  So i start calling out positions, "Left scapula! Right middle back! On my butt!" Now H has a lock, and WHAM! "Did you get it??" i asked.  I make her take a picture.  It's a bloodbath.  At least two inches of smeared blood and mosquito.  She is my warrior queen i think as she heads off to the bathroom to wash her hands saying, "ew, ew, ew" as she goes.

Remember those little bottles/pills you see in gas stations called Spanish fly?  Well we thought about those during our bout with the mosquito and thought, "fuck spanish fly, you know what a real aphrodesiac is? eating good healthy food, exercising regularly, and speaking the truth."  

But, but truth is scary!  Yep, and so is a turned on woman and man.