Female officer fantasy

Oh? You want to know my sexual fantasy? I like your curiosity and I appreciate you for asking.

I want to be pulled over by an athletic and confident female police officer. I want to be told what to do by her, hearing her express her desires and demand that I comply with them and threaten me with legal punishment if I do not submit to her will. I want her to force me to eat her pussy until she is bored. I want her to call over her fellow hot female police officers so that they can all take advantage of me.

I want them to demand that I satisfy them all with my cock and to threaten me if I come. I want them to handcuff me and sit on my face, smashing their pussies into my lips, my tongue, my nose. I want them to make me watch as they then start eating each other out and fingering each other and putting on strap ons and fucking each other, telling me that I don't satisfy them enough. Humiliating me.

And then, once I'm overcome with a desperate scarcity-lust and filled with inadequacy, feeling totally pathetic, I want them to take off my handcuffs and love me with their tender sides and ask me to take them all, with all that I am. With my weak, scared, embarrassed self. With my inadequate self. And also with the god within me, with my genius and my mastery. With my dark and terribleness. With my huge and devastating strength.

Money ain't shit, only for bros and dicks.

Thanks for the inspiration Dr. Dre

Having had money and not had money, I would like to present the following.

I recently prayed

and then felt dismayed

to learn my wishes had not come true.

I had wished to win the lottery

not have access to lots of pottery!

Now I wonder what exactly I rue.

After looking up the stats

and figuring out the facts,

I found out that most lives get worse

from family to friends

it never ends

they just want to a bit from your purse.

So what do I want?

Maybe just a little more to flaunt?

to exacerbate this state we're all in?

No!

I want a warm place to sleep

some good food to eat

and sex that leaves me with a shit eating grin.

NOTE: Do not google "naked with a shit eating grin."  *sighs*

Two Reviews of Sex Clubs in Barcelona. Part Two: Training Pedralbas

Sunday evening around 7 we grab the metro green line to Plaza Universitat and hoof it up a gentle hill past this like totally amazing CASTLE to the site of Training Pedralbas.

First impression: the sign in front of the place looks like it would be better suited to a strip mall beauty salon. It’s so faded and Barbizon that it’s almost cool again. Almost.

We get buzzed in (it’s also gated) and are greeted by a cute hostess who takes our coats and then proceeds to GIVE US A TOUR OF THE ENTIRE PREMISES. The whole while she’s sweet and sexy and very friendly. This is only the first staff member.

Ok, and while the pool was sadly out-of-order, the Jacuzzi was not and they have a fucking sauna?! So that settled my first stop exactly.

They provide towels and sandals in the locker (as did Oops!) but also sarongs which are definitely convenient as nudity is welcomed everywhere in the club and towels don’t last long...

And the bartender is wearing thigh highs with lace around the top and this dress that doesn’t even begin to cover her pantiless ass, which is filled with a jeweled anal plug.

Porn on the tv’s, a nice theater, dance-floor, smoking lounge, POTATO CHIPS, a massage room, and lots of places to fuck (with people fucking just about everywhere).

So Training Pedralbas is pretty much heaven on earth. Or maybe I’m biased because I had the most amazing DELICIOUS SIX-HANDED MASSAGE TURNED SEVEN-PERSON ORGY. And literally every person touching my body was HOT. And I’m shallow. I actually stuck my fist in this blonde and she squirted all over me. I had my pussy eaten for like three hours non-stop, condoms were everywhere, and I LITERALLY FORGOT I WAS IN SPAIN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE WAS SO GOOD. They work for tips, hehe. And did I mention the bartender is hott?

Two Reviews of Sex Clubs in Barcelona. Part One: Oops!

One weekend in Barcelona K and I decide to visit at two sex clubs.

Friday night we head out about 12:45 to Oops! Barcelona. We heard a lot about this club and the reviews looked good. It’s by the highway and not super easy to get to, so we grab a taxi. From La Rambla it costs us about 12 Euro.

From the outside, Oops! is absolutely beautiful. It’s an old mansion on a corner lot that peeps out above the gated entry. We get buzzed in, removing our jackets outside so not to risk another dress-code denial (K!).

Door staff are pretty hot.

First thing, I’m like “where’s the Jacuzzi?” They’re all “no Jacuzzi.” Boo.

K is like “condoms?” They’re all “here’s two.”

We explore a bit and find a cute little dungeon, totally empty of people (“what a shame!” I think.) K shackles and starts to whip me. I break character. “K? Does it smell like… rotten pussy in here?” I’m rudely interrupted by noisy pipes and rushing water just above my head. We are under the toilets, and yes, it does smell like rotten pussy (and not mine!).  Now that’s some serious sado-masochism. Imagine being left tied there all night with the ripe smells of sewage and toilet sex??

He unties me barely quickly enough and we head to the bar. So it’s a Friday, we expect it to be crackin’ off, but actually there are only about maybe five or six couples there (and about twelve the whole evening). That seriously limits things if you are the superficial type of casual sex consumer (which I am!) Also, everyone is fully clothed.

Fuck this! I order a scotch neat (you get two drinks with entry) and start sucking K off in the hallway. He mounts me and starts fucking me against the wall. That kinda sets the theme for the evening, fucking in the non-clearly designated fuck spaces.

We did have a lot of fun with their sex-swing, which another couple showed us how to use. That and the showers was pretty much our only interaction with other couples though…

And other than fucking, there didn’t seem to be much to do at Oops! They do have a dance floor and bar with a pole, which K made use of.

I mean, I do love fucking, but I have a short attention span so I like fucking with breaks for video games and pizza, for example. No food or snacks to be seen at Oops!

As we taxied back, K mused “maybe we weren’t having an open enough mentality or something?” While we did enjoy each other, we were admittedly a little disappointed not to play with others.

A few quotes that sum up whatever the fuck we’re doing

H: “How can you be so gross, yet so attractive?” 

K: “It’s my bone structure.”

“You can talk to me while I’m on the toilet; just don’t make eye-contact.”

H: “What are you doing?”

K: “I’m writing my sex CV.”

“Being submissively throat-fucked is new for me… and I’d like to keep practicing.”

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t kiss you after you ate my asshole?!”

Butt-fucking in a M+$*%m Country (and other adventures)

K and I were lucky enough to spend the holidays in North Africa. We arrived to find: 

A) piles of burning garbage 

B) no night life, 

and C) its dry here, and I’m not just talking about the camel’s toes…..

Luckily, we were put up in a delicious five star hotel with a sumptuous (and inclusive) buffet breakfast and dinner set-up. Also, to our salvation, the resort itself neither respects this crazy alcohol thing nor any rules regarding clothing in the sauna. Yessssssss.

“But H,” you may be wondering, “why WHY spend your holiday in a country that is drier than that bears ass from the toilet paper commercial?”

Well shit, we got a hell of a deal.

As we quickly figured out that as the booze does not flow outside of the resort walls, there was really no point in leaving them (duh!) And as we brought lots of lube, things were far from dry in our hotel room. Basically our days went like this:

Wake up, fuck.

Breakfast buffet.

Roll back to room, shit, shower, watch porn, fuck.

More porn. Fuck and fuck.

Sauna, shower, porn, fuck.

Dinner buffet. Steal platter of desserts back to room.

Watch movie (may or may not be porn.) Fuck.

Order room service.

And with all that time for fucking, we also had a whole lot of time for ass play, which, if you aren’t familiar, really is best when not rushed.

Damn I love vacation 

Also,

The Contract. wishfully including Morgan Freeman

The Contract:
K and I needed to come to an agreement about whatever the fuck we’re doing, so after our last PMS/feral cat fight we decided to put it down on paper and publish it here, as a token of its binding-ness and for your enjoyment.

1. If bringing another person into our bed (for a sleep over), make sleeping arrangements, preferably before 8pm.
2. If fucking in our bed, make time arrangements.
3. Communicate if going out/staying out and approximated time of return.
4. Uninterrupted dates with scheduled check-in times.
5. Unquestioned floor sleeping for K, with reserved right for H to make fun of. (Yes, K likes to sleep on the floor. No, I don’t snore or do anything weird. He just likes it.)
6. Serious issues won’t be handled via text. In person most preferable, phone as a second option. Issues should also be handled ASAP.
7. Introduce people to date/fuck before making plans.
8. If interested in another person, tell one-another ASAP, especially before making plans.
9. Tell people we intend to date/fuck about relationship status. (Or just send them to this blog! Kidding, kidding, I’d never sabotage myself like that…)
10. Talk out jealousies in person and promptly as issues arise.
11. When traveling apart, refer to previous protocol. (When we lived in different cities in the past we’d fuck, date, etc. and tell one-another about it like giggling teenage girls after the fact.)
12. Condoms and safer sex conversation with everyone. Limit on oral partners (is this for sex parties only?)
13. Talk out sex-party rules before parties.
14. First priority goes to one-another in regards to dates/plans unless prior approval in cases of “sheer spontaneity.” (Someone offers me tickets to Childish Gambino, but I’m supposed to visit your aunt with you, for example. Sorry auntie, Childish Gambino wins out.)
15. Veto power with explanation. NOT to be used lightly. Can be overridden if no good explanation (as determined by a third party?) and during PMS times.
This document is flexible and amendable with prior discussion and approval.
-H
-K